Listen

Benjamin runs across the grass, kite in hand. It flails and plummets to the ground. He stops and exhales frustration, composes himself, and tries again, accelerating to great speed for a child his size. Barefoot. The kite picks up as his smile, and for a brief moment, it catches flight.

Part 1: Accident

Fall

Benjamin Mom is on about my brother again. A guy came looking for him at the house. The druggy type. He hangs with the wrong crowd. Party all night. Sleeps all day.

She wants me to talk to him about it. I don’t want to. We always end up in fist fights.

He always knows what to say to push me and I always fall for it. We are so different, just like Mom and Dad. He drinks all day like Dad. I avoid conflict like Mom.

Mom knows that I never listen to her. She needs my help. I know this. Still, I never listen. Sigh. I don’t want to regret it later.

He starts to talk back and throw things. Just like Dad. He wants me angry. Calm down. I’m not like them.

This is why I left the house. Not my problem. He storms out. Takes his car.

She insists I go after him. I doubt if it’s even worth my trouble. “I don’t want to.”

Convinced, I take my car after him.

Not two blocks out, he rams me. “I shouldn’t have done this.”

Tires screech. Metal bangs. We lose control. He hits a bare tree.

For me, everything spins. Ears ring.

Daniel Shit. Ray went by the house today. He knows better. Business is never done at home.

I know Mom will tell on me. She’s always all up in my shit.

Dad said to give him the stuff and a good ass whooping for breaking rule number one.

Dad should be proud of me. Learning a lot from him.

Bro is here again today. I can’t stand him. Why does he even come by anymore? We don’t need him.

Dad hates him. I just know. I don’t need him. “Doing great without you, bro”.

“You’re a failure, you fucking loser.” Push and shove. “Bitch.” I grab my keys and leave.

Burn out. Loud music.

Wait. “Why is he coming after me?” I’m gonna teach him a lesson. Just like Dad does. I’ll show you what I can do. Who I am now. What I’ve become.

I ram him. Lose control. Find a tree.

Oh no. NO.

“What have I done?”

I shake. Shallow breath. I can’t swallow. Throat is shut.

I’m in deep shit now. Dad is not gonna like this.

Richard Business meeting. She calls. “Bitch.” Always something.

“Family emergency. Excuse me, friends.” Premature exodus.

Partners face me. Annoyed. Irritated. Displeased.

Not ideal for business.

I drive up. Two cars, one upside down. Daniel looks okay. Shaken up. The other not so much. Blood and leaves everywhere.

I grab the boy. Face to face. “You fucking failure. Who is gonna pay for the car, boy? You are. He better not die.”

No time or money for a funeral. This is not good for business.

“You fucked up big time, boy.” Rage.

This puts me behind. Won’t be able to make deliveries.

Mom “The stoner came by again.”

I worry my Dani boy will end up like his father.

Benji got out. He’s safe. I tell him about it when he visits.

“Please help me, son. Dani doesn’t listen to me. Show him the way out.” Exasperation. Pleading. Begging.

“Please help him, son.” Tears. I hold his hand in both of mine. “Look at me. Please.” Sorrow. Desperation.

I love him and I am losing him.

A scuffle. I plead Benji to go after him.

I step outside. I see a car flip at the end of the road.

Horror. Screams.

I call Richard. “They’ve crashed. Our sons are hurt. Please, please hurry.”

As I hang up I dread what is next. He will take it out on me.

It’s my fault. Why did I insist? Why did I send him after?

What have I done? Despair.

Both kite and boy lay motionless. The pitter-patter of the toddler's feet breaks the silence. Benjamin springs up. Daniel leaps into his brother, who is always ready to catch him, like a TV wrestler. Both scream to the top of their lungs with unfiltered emotion, followed by laughter. They roll around the grass, dirt, and twigs, finally finding a resting place near an ant pile. The kite has tangled them.

Part 2: Hospital

Winter

Benjamin I blink my eyes open. Focus. Silence.

Where am I? Sniff. Clean. Fresh.

White walls. Starchy scratchy white sheets. Pressure in my eyes.

Cloudy window. Snow. Bright. Splitting headache. Silence

Disoriented. Is my brother okay? I look around.

Nurse. Yes, Definitely in a hospital.

“Is my brother okay?” Silence. Heart racing.

“Hey!” Silence. Head throbbing.

She checks the machines and tubes. A doctor walks in with my family.

They look worried or upset. Dad making a scene.

Brother is okay. Exhale. Smile.

Mouths move and hands flail. I think they are talking about me.

Pain. Exhaustion. Silence.

“Why can’t I hear myself? Where is my voice??” Nurse calms me.

I scream.

Daniel He finally woke up today. Hopeful.

We ride the elevator. Jingle Bells. Cold, awkward silence. Can’t think. Haze.

There he is. Tubed. There’s a knot in my core.

Keep it together. I want to talk at him, but I can’t.

Machines beep and whirl. Bandages cover his head.

Dad says he deserved it. I don’t think I agree.

Thoughts are noisy. Distorted. I went too far and now he’s broken. I did that. Hurt him.

That day still replays in my head. Like a bad dream. It’s real.

Dad is yelling at the Doctor. “Stop it.” They are only trying to help.

My brother was only trying to help. He’s watching us now. His eyes are still swollen. I can’t look at him. Fuck.

I look at the floor. It’s clean and polished. Like new. Slowly back away.

Heart pounds and legs shake. I can’t look at him.

Fists and jaw clenched. It does nothing. “I’m sorry”

The whisper hurts my throat, as if it forced it’s way out.

Richard 30k down the drain. It’s fucking cheaper for a funeral. I can smell the sickness and weakness through the walls.

“I hate hospitals.” I hate doctors.

“What the fuck do you mean surgery is 60k!? No. NO!” Scammers. Deceivers. Scum.

“You just want my money.” Greedy. “Fuck you, asshole. Leave him how he is. I’m not a charity.”

Benjamin doesn’t even work for me. I face her and command to leave.

This place is making me sick. Wreaths and mistletoe.

I can’t pay my debt back.

I need to pay Steve soon.

Mom Anticipation. “He will be okay. My baby.”

I hold Dani’s hand while we go up. He doesn’t jerk it.

We step into the room. Its cold. I see him. Instant tears of relief.

“He will be okay?” But my boy suffers. I hold my wails but to no avail.

“Richard, please, not now. We need to do it. Say yes, I want him back to normal.” Heartbreak.

Why? Why? You are a monster. A tyrant. Pure evil. I want my son’s back.

You are poisoning them.

Turning them against each other.

Anger. Suffering. I suffer for my sons.

"Dinner is ready!" Mom calls out from behind the screen door. Both kids face themselves and open their mouths in excitement. They know what's for dinner without saying a word. The race to the kitchen table is underway. Benjamin takes the lead, jumping through the swing like a hawk through an opening. As Daniel catches up, he crash-lands in front of the porch steps. They pause the race. Benjamin smirks and walks back to a defeated Daniel, teary-eyed. "It's okay. You're okay". He helps him up the steps and into the house. Mom awaits them with a smile and warm dinner.

Part 3: Dinner

Spring

Benjamin I sit on the porch to watch birds dance, smell the crisp fresh grass scent, and enjoy the sun breeze that comes from above.

The sun welcomes the new flowers with a warm embrace.

The silence of nature is all around me and I can’t help but smile.

Reminds me of being a child. No school, work or worries. Happy family.

The screen door opens and Mom signals me.

Tomato, basil, thyme and garlic. Nose picks up flavors. Mouth waters as I sit in front of the plate. I can taste the love, smiles, and hugs as a child.

Mother is a great cook. I notice it all now. I love it.

Bro has his face buried in the screen. He leaves without eating. I can feel him walk out the back.

As I place the dishes in the sink, there is a anger behind me.

Dad is up and jabbing fingers towards Mom. Veins in his neck and face. Red.

Without a second thought, I stand between them. Shielding Mom from the glowing anger.

This is my problem. I will not back down.

I see his hand across my face and strike my cheek. I take it in.

His Anger. Rage. Fury. Wrath. I don’t want this.

I give it back to him, in kind.

Surprise.

He falls to the floor and stares at me.

Eyes locked. Fearless.

Never felt myself like this. He turns.

Regret. Shame. Sadness. It all walks out the door.

Daniel Ray’s been texting me. He wants more and more every time.

I don’t even know why I do this anymore. I’m always tired and broke.

Where does my money go? All the days just blend into each other.

Benji’s on the porch. Fucker. Just sits with a smile like an idiot. All day. All while Mom and Dad fight in the kitchen. All day.

I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m heavy inside.

Dinner is served. Parental argument continues. Never ending. Numb.

Ray is nearby. He can’t come to the house. “Time to go.”

Bro can deal with that noise. I got better things to do.

At the park. Ray is a good guy. “High five.” He could be someone if he stops using. He is happy. The escape makes him happy. He shares that happiness with me.

“Why do you do this?” That’s how it’s always been done. That’s what his father taught him. He’s content doing this every day.

Am I him? Will I be him? Shivers.

Dad’s car speeds by. It’s late.

“What happened?” Do I call him? Do I go check on Mom?

I look towards the house.

Richard It’s time. It’s time. I need more time. I need the money.

It’s over. All over. No. I’ve survived worse. I WILL survive this.

“You make spaghetti every fucking day. Pasta leftovers for lunch every fucking day.”

We sit.

Look at his fucking dumb smile across from me. It’s your fault. You did this. I hate your smile. Your dumb stupid smile.

“This dinner is shit. It’s all shit. YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. YOU! YOU! DUMB BITCH.”

Benjamin interferes.

“Get out of the way boy. Remember your place.”

I strike his stupid face and find myself on the ground immediately.

Everything grows bigger. The table. Chairs. Ceiling. Benjamin towers over me.

I meet his gaze, but can’t hold it this time.

“OH. I see. You’re the man now.” Knees shake.

“You’re the boss. Okay.” Legs almost give, but I come to my feet.

“We’ll see about that.” Can’t bring myself to look at him.

We’ll see what Steve has to say. Vengeance. Sadness. Anguish.

Mom “Richard, not this again. Not today, please. Leave me be.”

Your voice annoys me. You do not overshadow my son’s presence, though.

They like my food. Inner smile. Spaghetti is their favorite.

I call Benji in. He adapts quickly. Nothing keeps him down. I am proud of him. Outward Smile.

He ate it all. Benji picks up his and my plate.

“Again, Richard. Please stop.” I look down. No need for confrontations in front of them.

Shame. Humiliation.

Surprise.

Benji is between us. He stood up to him.

“What have you done?” Fear.

Richard leaves in a fuss. It always gets worse.

I hug my son.

I fear what is to come. I cry for what is next. On my knees.

I sob in defeat. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.”

He holds my hands in his. I see his eyes. Serenity. I float on my feet.

Calmness overtakes me. My lungs open up. I can breathe.

He is not the same. His tender eyes and smile. Strength.

There is nothing to fear. His eyes speak to me. I stand tall.

Hopeful. Optimistic.

Richard sits at the head of the table. "Alright, Boys, hold hands now." Mom sits across from him, grabs both their hands, and bows her head. Daniel can't seem to keep still, anticipating his dinner. He makes every attempt to pretend there are no ants in his pants. Benjamin knows the drill and complies. Richard smiles and takes a breath. With a deep, soothing voice, he begins the prayer. "Dear Lord, we gather here as a family, grateful for this meal and the love we share. Bless this food, our home, and our hearts. May we always cherish these moments together. Amen." They all open their eyes, smile and enjoy their pasta.

Part 4: Work

Summer

Benji I sit on the roof at my work building. This is my favorite place at work.

Sun breeze, vibrant blue, green, and white colors of the sky.

I develop software for a moderate corporation. An unexpected career but I excel at it for some reason.

Maybe it is the hyper-focus. No office drama, gossip, or stress. Complex problems are solved with simple solutions when I remove all the unnecessary details. Solving puzzles and finding solutions soothes me.

I think back at the past and hope for a better future. It will take time to undo all the wrongs, but I have already started.

Mom is happier now that Dad is gone. I invite my brother to coffee once a week.

Learns more signs every time we meet. We’ve finally connected.

Tells me about his new job. A promotion might be coming up. I’m proud. He knows.

Punches have turned into hugs and handshakes. Respect. Admiration.

I don’t see myself as disabled. This is power.

I can now block out all self-inflicted distracting noise from everyday life and experience true happiness.

Daniel I finished work early today. The soundtrack of cicadas buzz during my walk.

Need to pick up groceries. Mom is making spaghetti. She is a good cook.

“I feel good today.” I find myself saying this more and more every week. Smile. Bags on the counter and kiss Mom.

Teardrop. I don’t mind.

“I’m sorry Mom.” Hug. Her hair smells of childhood summer days.

We don’t talk about Dad anymore. I take off my uniform and help help with the groceries.

“Ray might stop by later”. He’s been clean for two months. Got him a job with me.

I know I could be someone one day. I feel like someone. Myself. I like it.

“I’m looking forward to Saturday. Gonna have coffee with my brother.” A new favorite thing. Maybe we can still be good friends after all.

Richard “Steve. I have tried. I don’t have the money. The boy’s hospital bill. You understand, right? The young one is not efficient. He is not cut out for this.”

Hot. Sweaty. Empty stare. Patience is exhausted.

Emotionless.

“Steve? Don’t do this. I have served you for decades. You have to have my back.” I was supposed to become you. This is not how its supposed to end.

Tears. Regret. Memento mori. Insignificant. Worthless.

I see the barrel and hear the hammer click.

I became this. I know it now. I see it.

My sons. Warranted. Befitting.

“Do it, Steve. Just leave my family be.” Eyes closed. Darkness. Painless. Peace.

Mom Not a thought or tear has gone Richard’s way. Only smiles and laughter. Dani is home early with groceries. He helps me with cooking.

“The secret ingredient is love.” Chuckle. With a proper job, he becomes a proper man.

The sense of relief and freedom is almost overpowering. I take it one day at a time.

My face hurts from smiling all the time.

Outside, tree leaves rustles in the breeze. Warm summer sun floods in from the windows. I can smell it.

The boys lay in the same bed. In the window, clear night sky and a full moon. Mom kisses their foreheads. "Good night. I love you". "Good night, Mommy," they reply in unison. As she walks out, Richard enters their room. His silhouette almost covers the hallway light coming into the room. The tall figure approaches and both wiggle and giggle underneath their blankets. He kisses Benjamin's forehead. "Goodnight, my little champ. Dream big, my boy. Remember, you can conquer anything you set your mind to. I love you more than words can express.". Daniel hides his face under the covers. Richard unveils and kisses his cheek as he pretends to be asleep already. "Time to rest, buddy. You've had quite an adventurous day. Don't worry about a thing; I'm here for you. Goodnight, my strong and brave son. Sleep tight." He stands and slowly closes the door as he steps into the hallway. The room falls silent.